clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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