I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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