hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
