I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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