My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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