Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
