Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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