I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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