He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
