I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
