We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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