trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
