Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
