My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize