I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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