why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
