I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
