Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
try to milk me bitch
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
