I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
