I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My vagina is officially offended.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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