I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
