this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize