for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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