The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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