flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
