i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
