FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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