If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
How does it feel to date your dad?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
