dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
