I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
