Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
