I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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