Someone shit on the floor
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
