she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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