Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Randomize
