ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
apparently the secret to your success is patron
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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