the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
