When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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