apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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