grandma shit on top of the toilet
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize