put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize