Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
