Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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