you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
