I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
