Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize