Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We just shotgunned beers for America
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
