I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
