Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
