She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
