Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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