are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
