my soul wont recognize me after tonight
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
