In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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