There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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