Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
