My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
