Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
