I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I want to make a zoo with you.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
