The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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