My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
